In the middle of all the crazy...

When asked what my favorite holiday is, I will tell you point blank that it's Thanksgiving.  I love Christmas nearly as much, but Thanksgiving is one of the last holidays that is truly a day to celebrate without too much pressure.  I can just spend time with my family, eat great food, and reflect on all the great things God has done in the last year.  No string of parties, no gifts to wrap, musicals to help put on, or songs replaying and replaying when really I only wanted to hear it once or twice.

Spain does not have Thanksgiving.  So, in Kristiina fashion, I wanted to soak in every moment of my last one for the time being, and it was a blast!  I met up with many friends I had not seen in awhile, watched football, and enjoyed time with my family as much as possible.  When it was over, I was not ready for Christmas season.  I did not want to decorate my apartment or start up the Christmas playlist on my iPod.  I did not want to accept that Thanksgiving was now over. This mini-denial caught up with me.

For I do love Christmas.  I have had some amazing Christmases, and others where I was hurting. This year was a mixture of so many things.  I had strings of parties one after another, each with a new food and white elephant gift to prepare.  I wrapped so many gifts, for a week my apartment looked a little like Santa's workshop.  I survived yet another amazing musical at Grace Family (and even got to share about Spain in front of everyone!)  And I finally started up that Christmas playlist on my iPod, and enjoyed all the memories each song brought back.

There was one things I forgot in the midst of it all, though: why I am doing all of this.  About a week before Christmas, I began to feel very overwhelmed with all that was happening.  Every worry, sadness, and lament seemed to weigh on me at once.  You see, I often feel very unequipped for what God has called me to.  I am really, really terrible at fund-raising.  The thought of selling everything I own sends me into panic mode---what if I fail and have to return?  Can I really make any difference at all anyway?  Also, I really don't want to do this alone.  I was driving down the road, about to turn left to my parent's house, when I made a sudden turn right toward Maidu Park.  I needed a moment to stop and go to one of my favorite places in the world.  Most of my childhood memories are wrapped up in this park. It's the place where I learned to ride my bike, check out a library book, had youth group meetings, cross-country practices, and where I learned to meet my Savior on a personal level while among His creation.  The moment I stepped onto the bike trail there, I felt

Instant

Peace.


Every worry suddenly seemed very small when I compared them to the power of God.  It's ok that I don't have all the answers.  He doesn't mind that I make mistakes all the time.  He is not bothered by my inadequacy at all.  Because He is enough.  He is going to get all the glory from my life.  My inadequacy gives Him space to step in and MOVE.  And if I were to be completely honest, that's all that I want.  When I was about 12 years old, I told Him if He wanted me to leave everything here in California, I would.  Standing in that park, I remembered that I love Jesus so much, and I don't want to miss out on anything that would draw me closer to Him.  I want as much of Him as I can possibly get in this world.

So in the midst of everything, I am taking deep breaths, and remembering the Reason for everything.

Ok 2016, here we come.

Why wait? Well...

When I heard the news that TeachBeyond had accepted me to teach in Spain, I was ecstatic.  Like, jumping up and down and doing the boogie in my living room ecstatic.  I had been waiting for this moment for nearly 6 years!  Then they started to talk about visas, fund-raising, etc., and I had this moment of panic.  A little voice in my head started screaming, "That's too soon!  You need one more year!"  I asked them if I could have time to pray about when to leave.  After speaking with the headmaster at the school in Spain, he agreed that one more year to wait for someone who wants to come long term was wise.  "Finally," I thought, "the voice of reason!"

Yet this is still something I wonder about and is one of the top questions I get from people as I share my story.  Why one more year?  Is my faith really that small to think that things could not come into place in so short a time?  I don't think this is my problem.  I know if God wanted me to go right now, I would be gone about a week ago.  My family has had some serious health issues pop up lately, so perhaps I am waiting for those to resolve?  No, again, as hard as it is to leave them, I know I have my family's blessing, and they are all well taken care of.  Maybe I want to wait until my niece is older?  I must say that I have loved getting to watch her grow this year, but I know I must resign myself to missing so much of her growth.  So why wait?

I do not have all the reasons, but I do know this: I have incredible peace about waiting.  Many of you will understand this, others may not.  While I struggle with wanting more solid reasons for staying, I get this sense that there is a purpose for waiting one more year.  There is this odd sense that my job here is not finished, and I need to complete it before I go to Europe.  After all, I am going for an indefinite amount of time, so there is no real need to rush in right away.  Right?

I will admit it is hard watching my new friends that I met at orientation leave for their new countries.  I read Spanish literature, watch Spanish shows and my heart aches to be in Spain!  Yet in my heart of hearts I know that I will miss Sacramento just as much.  I will miss my beautiful (albeit crispy) California.  In a sense, I am spending a year saying good-bye to one home before returning to another home.  When I lived in Spain I felt like my heart had expanded to be able to love two places on this earth fully.  When I talk with other people who live overseas, they say that they have felt this, too.  I am alright with waiting for my next adventure because I have an idea what is waiting for me.  I am no longer wild-eyed with the thoughts of adventure as I was 7 years ago when I left the first time, but am filled with a quiet joy for this next step.  Because of this, it feels right to walk slowly but steadily, soaking in each step of the journey instead of itching to get to the destination.

So I do not have all the answers as for why, but I am ok just sitting in the peace that it is the right thing for me to do.  I have also felt incredibly honored by the people who have agreed to talk with me about Spain and who have even made commitments to help me along the way so far in advance.  I am learning to walk one day at a time, enjoying what comes at each step.

The adventure begins...again...

Six years ago I was in the last month of my year living in Spain.  I had made many lasting friendships, expanded my Spanish vocabulary, explored many corners of Spain, and fallen deeply in love with a country that is so different from my own.  I left knowing I would return again to live, but I just didn't know when.

Since then life has thrown many surprises my way, both pleasant and not.  I have loved and been betrayed.  I have wept and have healed.  I have made mistakes and have tried so hard to learn from them.  Through all of this I have seen more and more how truly loving and faithful God is to me.  This is a time that I have learned I would not trade away for anything.

The best surprise that I have had happened this past year.  I went to Spain last year simply because I missed it!  When I landed and began traveling south, I realized how truly homesick I was for Spain.  I began sharing with people how I wanted to return to live someday.  As I talked through this with several people, I realized that I wanted to blend both my love of Spain and my passion for teaching together.  I left southern Spain feeling encouraged and eager to see what was next.

I spent the last two days of my trip in Madrid catching up with some dear friends.  I spent a day in Tres Cantos, a small town in northern Spain, and I had the morning free as my friends headed off to work.  That morning I received an e-mail from a woman who had gotten my information and knew that I was interested in teaching in Spain.  She knew that I was in Spain and asked if we could possibly meet or have a phone conversation.  I called her to tell her that I would love to meet, but I was not very mobile as I was carrying all my luggage with me and was in a small town in northern Madrid.  When I told her I was in Tres Cantos, she informed me that was where she lived!  We met for coffee and she shared about the school she and her husband will be starting.  It will not be ready for the older students that I teach for many years, but she promised to keep in touch.  I left Spain encouraged and feeling that I could

In the fall this woman encouraged me to send my information to a Christian school in Madrid.  I had hesitations about it, but decided to try it anyway.  I got a quick response from the headmaster, and he was very interested in my story.  He told me that it was a volunteer position (as are all the teaching positions), but they worked with several sending organizations who could help.  When I called one, I began to feel more excited as I talked about wanting to work in a school that is for Spaniards.  They are an organization that works with schools in about 40 countries around the world, and when the time was right, I could move into such a school.  I started to see my dreams come true.

I am still watching this dream take shape.  With one more year here in the United States, I am diligently seeking people who will walk alongside me.  Most of all, I am trusting in the One who has brought me this far.  I cannot wait to see where we go next...