Spain does not have Thanksgiving. So, in Kristiina fashion, I wanted to soak in every moment of my last one for the time being, and it was a blast! I met up with many friends I had not seen in awhile, watched football, and enjoyed time with my family as much as possible. When it was over, I was not ready for Christmas season. I did not want to decorate my apartment or start up the Christmas playlist on my iPod. I did not want to accept that Thanksgiving was now over. This mini-denial caught up with me.
For I do love Christmas. I have had some amazing Christmases, and others where I was hurting. This year was a mixture of so many things. I had strings of parties one after another, each with a new food and white elephant gift to prepare. I wrapped so many gifts, for a week my apartment looked a little like Santa's workshop. I survived yet another amazing musical at Grace Family (and even got to share about Spain in front of everyone!) And I finally started up that Christmas playlist on my iPod, and enjoyed all the memories each song brought back.
There was one things I forgot in the midst of it all, though: why I am doing all of this. About a week before Christmas, I began to feel very overwhelmed with all that was happening. Every worry, sadness, and lament seemed to weigh on me at once. You see, I often feel very unequipped for what God has called me to. I am really, really terrible at fund-raising. The thought of selling everything I own sends me into panic mode---what if I fail and have to return? Can I really make any difference at all anyway? Also, I really don't want to do this alone. I was driving down the road, about to turn left to my parent's house, when I made a sudden turn right toward Maidu Park. I needed a moment to stop and go to one of my favorite places in the world. Most of my childhood memories are wrapped up in this park. It's the place where I learned to ride my bike, check out a library book, had youth group meetings, cross-country practices, and where I learned to meet my Savior on a personal level while among His creation. The moment I stepped onto the bike trail there, I felt
Instant
Peace.
Every worry suddenly seemed very small when I compared them to the power of God. It's ok that I don't have all the answers. He doesn't mind that I make mistakes all the time. He is not bothered by my inadequacy at all. Because He is enough. He is going to get all the glory from my life. My inadequacy gives Him space to step in and MOVE. And if I were to be completely honest, that's all that I want. When I was about 12 years old, I told Him if He wanted me to leave everything here in California, I would. Standing in that park, I remembered that I love Jesus so much, and I don't want to miss out on anything that would draw me closer to Him. I want as much of Him as I can possibly get in this world.
So in the midst of everything, I am taking deep breaths, and remembering the Reason for everything.
Ok 2016, here we come.
